January 2010
41 posts
Snuggie spoon with gunfire.
My New Years underwear used to be white. What color is yours?
I support my liquor store EVERY GODDAMNED DAY and today I can’t find a fucking parking spot. FUCK YOU. AVERAGE AMERICANS.
December 2009
413 posts
In 2010 I am switching from original content to RTs so you can see yourself think.
The Porno is about to begin. We will steal your drama. Said Jim. WTF. Pills. Asian fireplace. Insurance. Dead teeth. Higher education.
Brain cell damage is a conspiracy theory.
My dick has fallen on hard times.
You follow me because you’re fucked up.
No children were harmed in my farting experiments; however, vomiting happened.
Farting in an infants face almost seems a waste. The merit no matter how minor mustn’t be denied.
I used to shake coke cans for fun. Now I shake nursing infants. What a fool I was.
I love farts so there’s no mystery why I prefer pussy over penis.
Hi Drama. Why don’t you go fuck yourself.
Hi Drama. That was a rhetorical question. Dickface.
I don’t need vitamin v. Kenny G and Streisand work for now.
Tonight is not immune to if you can’t remember your tweet from five minutes ago to delete it
syndrome.
Married 8 years today. I’ll be back on the Twitter after I turn in my thank you card.
If I don’t get laid today, I’m going to @elbeard university. I hear he gets laid with zero down and no payments ever.
My cat and I become one as I watch him plump into his shitter as I into mine.
What is the birthday announcement mechanism on Twitter? Is facebook involved? I’m asking for myself.
It is not my birthday today. When appropriate I’ll send bank routing numbers. Thank you.
Rev Jones of the Church of England may be my long lost brother.
I get the feeling there was a football game and someone lost.
Let’s start anonymous facebook accounts. I think our names are available.
Leave it to the cocksuckers to tweet see you next year tweets.
I have a feeling I’m going to be tweeting about this cramp in my gut. I’m hoping for different material than this black runny stuff. Shit.
I was a hormone beef eating kid with a hairy dick at age 7. Glamour Shits took my avatar photo when I was 17. But my dick is forever young.
Sorry I was so short with you last night but it’s not as good for me with the extension.
Because I never shower, my wife makes me wear condoms.
I didn’t outsmart you. You dumbassed yourself.
I’m sorry to get all real life on your smelly asses but I am having a pride attack over these pinto beans.
I don’t feel used but I am for sale.
Thank you Walmart for the tweets.
Four Characters that hate everything Christmas…http://tinyurl.com/ycsrlhx (via @MrHolster) #FF before you take down your Christmas lights.
I won’t judge you for starring my tweets if you’re a fat, ugly, yeast infected, ball breath fucktard. Just star the fucking tweet.
I shit my pants 92 times. I love Walmart. http://yfrog.com/1epl2fj
I follow @CaptainThrills because I don’t shave mens balls with my teeth. Also, he makes me laugh.
If women can eat ice cream in the winter, why can’t I get naked in a titty bar?
What this day needs is a Mexican food mart.
While standing next to these pants, I could feel the magnetic pull of pussy. http://yfrog.com/4irsiij
Fuck. I underestimated Walmart. This isn’t funny.
You’d think God being as great as she is would have more than 2 or 3 milk runs.
If I sneeze more than I jackoff, I stop wondering if I might be sick.
If I play my walmart giftcard right, I might get some pussy.
Walking into Walmart with a fresh stoning is perfect. I expect nothing less than body parts earmarked for the Museum of Natural History.
I listen to Chill on my way to Walmart.
Since whisky won’t take my mind off that 69 vitamin pee fiasco, I should lay off the vitamins.
I’m probably the last guy who will say just sayin’ whenever I’m just saying something.
Where’s @jiggerj? I think he was trying to reach out with that avatar change and I neglected him. Jiggzy! Come back! I need more pills.
I told my wife I wouldn’t drink all day - that Xmas grumpaw is over. Thank god it’s after five.